


Dear Stan Marsh

by dannyvhs (PepsiRabbit), PepsiTigress



Series: Asking for a Friend [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Interactive, M/M, Tumblr Blog, an au, au of perks of being a wallflower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2019-09-02 03:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 58
Words: 18,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16778695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepsiRabbit/pseuds/dannyvhs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepsiTigress/pseuds/PepsiTigress
Summary: Stan Marsh is 19 years old and suffering from depression and self-harm. He has been for a few years now, and it’s become too much. Thanks to those around him, he’s on the road to recovery using letter writing as a coping method to keep his thoughts in order. He shares a room with Tweek Tweak at Hell’s Pass Hospital and Kyle visits him every day.One day, a letter arrives mysteriously, and suddenly unwanted memories are flooding him. Tweek claims they’re being watched at night, and more letters are appearing. Stan and Kyle desperately try to find the identity of this stalker while also trying to hold themselves together.They’ll have to figure it out fast before the stalker strikes or they both lose touch with reality.Whichever comes first.There are several chapters, but I promise they're not long. Think of James Patterson.-Letters from Kyle written by dannyVHS-Interactive storyAuthors note: Any 'hate' to any character is not to be taken personal. I do not hate any character on the show at all, but based loosely off previous, and real, interactions with role players some of the things that happen to Stan have happened to my muse, Stanley.





	1. Entry 1- Nov 20, 2018

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

~~Dear Stanley~~

No, uh,

~~Dear Stan~~

Dear Friend,

That sounds better. You never would think that writing up something for a therapist would be so difficult. My therapist, Ruth Ann, gave me a journal-diary-book, whatever you wanna call it, and has encouraged me to write inside. She says it will help me out with my feelings and finding out what has caused this depression inside. I don’t think that me writing is going to solve the root of the problem. Whatever. I’m not really wanting to write down everything I do or say or think because no one is actually interested in that type of thing. 

I sat with Ruth Ann for a while today and we talked about my best friend, Kyle Broflovksi. She wants him to visit me while I’m staying at this psychiatric hospital. I was placed in here after almost committing suicide after Wendy and I broke up for the tenth time. I tried to explain to my mom and the police I wasn’t doing it because I was upset about Wendy. It was bigger than Wendy. Bigger than a relationship or family. 

Have you ever just sat inside a car and wanted to throw whatever object in your hand out the window? Maybe held a pair of scissors and wanted to snip off your hair or a finger? Well, that’s how I felt when I stood on the edge of the roof. I had been up there in the beginning to gaze at the stars, but something inside of me told me to jump. That if I jumped, things would be better. I would be at peace. My mom had just pulled up and saw me. She freaked out and then the police came and it was a disaster.

I wasn’t in trouble. Just forced to go to the hospital under suicide watch and examined for my mental state. I’m suffering depression and anxiety, but that doesn’t define me. It just makes me look pitiful under the eyes of others who aren’t suffering like me. I hate it. I just want to hide in this room until the 90 days are up so I can go home with Sparky and eat junk food with Kyle while we play video games.

I gotta go for now. I have to go to the cafeteria before it closes. I’ll write later, I guess.

With love,

Stanley Marsh


	2. Entry 2- Nov 21, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 2- Nov 21, 2018

Dear friend,

it’s midnight and I’m supposed to be tucked away into dreamland. I just can’t get myself to sleep. I’m unable to get my brain to shut down. I need the alcohol. I forgot to write that down in my first entry. I’m also addicted to alcohol at the ripe age of 17. Ruth Ann told me I should drink something else to substitute it, but that’s like eating a gluten free chicken nugget. It’s still not a nugget. Even if I drink soda or tea, it’s not giving me the delicious taste alcohol does. I want to drink until I’m unable to think for myself. I want to slug myself off to bed and drink until I black out.

Maybe it’s not the best comparison, but the point is, I can’t just quit drinking it. I only get a shot of beer before bed or “as needed.” Even when I ask the med tech for a delicious shot, they tell me I can’t have anymore. That its part of my treatment.

Maybe I can talk Kenny into bringing me something. Or someone. Kyle would kill me I’m sure. He knows that I’m here. Knows that I’m suffering with this alcoholism, depression, and anxiety ridden body! I just want to go home. And by home, I mean not this planet. Somewhere I don’t have to hurt anymore.

Shit. I need to go. I hear the certified nurses aid down the hall. I’m sure it’s Lyle. He’s a cool dude. So far that is.

Hopefully one of my friends show up. Maybe I’m not worth anyone’s time. Maybe my friends already replaced me. Kyle did a few years ago. He told me that me thinking that everything was shit wasn’t something he liked. That he would rather hangout with Cartman and forget about me. Maybe Kyle’s already replacing me with another best friend.

With love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	3. Entry 3- Nov 21, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 3- Nov 21, 2018

Dear friend,

I had a long day. Filled with many ‘activities.’ I first had to deal with my psychiatrist, who kept telling me that I need to do things that make me happy. Like what? When I sit in my room with the lights on, I wear my headphones and listen to music for a while. When I could, I would drink alcohol until the music made me feel like I was high. That’s dumb to even state when I drink, but it’s true. When I listen to any kind of Lana Del Rey song, I want a beer or a joint. Anyway, I told my psychiatrist what I liked to do and she told me I need to do something else, such as read a book, write in a journal, go outside, or play a board game. Hell, even draw. I don’t want to though. What fun is that?

After that mess, I ended up trailing off outside with this guy named Richard. He seemed alright, I guess. He told me how to sneak things in without getting caught, but I don’t have a person to do that. He’s in here because he’s suffering from some form of PTSD and his suicidal thoughts. I can tell he’s hurting. I can see it in his eyes. The way he talks with his fidgity hands and the way he averts his eyes.

God. I just miss my best friends. I need someone that’s stable. Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I just go back to being normal? What happened to me? Why can’t I put my finger on this?

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

PS. I forgot to mention that my psychiatrist prescribed me with 25 mg of visatril, to help me sleep, and 10 mg of Lexapro. 

PSS. I also forgot to say that after meeting up with Richard, I went to my room and the nurse said that a redhead named Kyle dropped by. She couldn’t find me, so Kyle left. I wish he would have just waited. Who knows if he’ll even come back…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	4. Letter from Kyle 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Stan, well i dont know if this letter will get to you, but we all miss you. Everyone of us. I've tried to come visit but i keep being told that you cant see visitors so idk whats going on. You're not alone and I'm so sorry i missed the signs. I hope you get better and im always here for you, stan. i promise. -Kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	5. Entry 4- Nov 22, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 4- Nov 22, 2018

Dear friend,

Thanksgiving is today. The nurses told me to get my belongings ready since my mom is apparently picking me up today for dinner. 

Maybe I’ll convince her to let me stay home with her.

with love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	6. Letter from Kyle 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Stan, I talked to our friends and you're going to be getting alot more letters. I signed you up for this pen pal thing too. I dont know if itll help, but if we cant see you, we'll sure as hell come by letters! -kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	7. Entry 5- Nov 23, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 5- Nov 23, 2018

Dear friend,

I got home late last night and was so busy with my appointments that I never had time to write an entry. Thanksgiving wasn’t too bad until my dad broke out the booze. Mom got super pissed and told him to put it back.

I felt awkward though. My family was treating me differently, not Shelly. Dad kept asking me things by beating around the bush, and mom just played with her food while asking me how things were going. I had barely finished my plate and then I ended up just putting plastic wrap over it, put it in the fridge, and just went to my room.

I had fallen asleep for just a bit until my mom woke me up because she said Kyle had came over. Kyle and I hung out for a while. He brought me his mom’s homemade rhubarb pie, which I actually like. We ate it together and watched football then Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. I ended up falling asleep on the bed with him beside me. When I woke up, he was still there. It was a relief.

It sucked when I had to go to the psychiatric hospital. I didn’t want to go back.I knew I’d see Kyle and my family again for Christmas, but it was still upsetting. 

I’m sitting on my bed with my headphones on, jamming out to music. Tonight its the song All Time Low by Jon Bellion. It’s nice to listen to with it all the way up. The bass is kind of distracting. Tomorrow is Saturday so maybe I can just sleep until lunch time or dinner. Maybe I’ll get Kyle to come. I made sure my mom put him and the other boys on a visiting list.

We’ll see if it works.

With love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	8. Entry 6- Nov 27, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 6- Nov 27, 2018

Dear Friend,

I had a relapse, and I’m not okay.

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	9. Entry 7- Nov 28, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 7- Nov 28, 2018  
Dear Friend,

I never went into what exactly happened. It’s long, but if you want to continue be at risk that my relapse wasn’t pretty.

After my visit with family and friends, I ended up feeling hopeless of never coming out of this- never getting better. Never coming home. I had just finished my shower Saturday when I saw that there was a razor from a previous person. Seemed to me that whoever had monitored and cleaned the shower room had forgotten to remove the object. I knew it was just a razor to shave, but I had used them before.

Once I started, it was like…reliving it all in a wonderful way. I could finally feel something stir in my body again. I hadn’t felt this way in what seemed like weeks. The blood that bubbled up on my left arm- the razor that sliced at the skin. It wasn’t the best razor, no, but it did its job. When I stopped, it wasn’t because I wanted to. I heard the aide knock at the door. I had reached my fifteen minute mark. I cursed and tried to clean up what I could, but it was too late. I was caught.

I was immediately taken to the infirmary and then to Ruth Ann, after I had gotten dressed.

My doors been removed and I’m now under suicide watch. I tried to explain, but to them I’m sick. Hell, Ruth Ann said she’d have to call my mom. I told her to not do that because I knew mom would tell Kyle’s mom, which meant Kyle would know.

I’m sitting in my room with Luke outside my door. He gave me my space but if I made any movement he cocked a heather grey eye into the door frame. I really regret hurting myself, but at the same time it felt nice to live again.

I’m sorry, mom.

I’m sorry, Kyle.

I’m sorry, Sparky.

I hope I can come home again soon. I mean for good. I don’t wanna return here again. This place is causing me to feel caged. That’s what Pete had told me. The reason why a caged bird does not sing is because she is caged. Once free would she sing again. Maybe Pete was onto something.

I’m tired…

Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Pete since Kyle’s basketball game. Hell, I can barely remember that game..I don’t know why.

hm…

I’m going to lay down and try to sleep with Luke outside. It’s weird…

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	10. Letter from Douchebag 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Stan, I’ve never felt I’ve really known you, but I know what it feels like to see yourself as worthless. Let me know if you’d like me to vist sometime and play something on my guitar - Douchebag

**reply:**

Dear douchebag (?),

I don’t like to see you calling yourself a douchebag, but I wouldn’t mind if you would come to visit. My room is 14. Just ask the nurse at the desk. I’ll let her know. Usually it’s Jessica.

With love,

Stanley Marsh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	11. Entry 8- Dec 1, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Friend,

I had a surprise on the 29th of November. I was just getting my medicine when my nurse came in and told me to pack my bags. I was very confused until I heard his voice. I looked up and there was Kyle. He was talking to another nurse, who was giving him a bag of my medication. What?! I was surprised they let me go since my relapse.

Well, Kyle asked my mom and got permission to take me to his house for a week! I was so excited. When I woke up this morning beside Kyle, I almost started to cry with happy tears. I love it. We ate pizza last night together while watching Christmas movies. I just hope that this week won’t go by too fast. 

He kissed me so hard last night and told me, in a whisper, “I love you, chickadee.” I love it when he calls me that. I don’t ever want to forget it. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I found many hickeys on my shoulders, neck, and my chest. We got a little carried away last night. God I love him. 

I used to think he was just my best friend, but...my eyes really opened when he picked me up that night from Clyde’s party. I knew he didn’t want to get me. Almost any time he had picked me up, he would look at me with anger in his eyes. Except that night, he didn’t look pissed, but I guess it didn’t help that I was crying.

I had been crying because Wendy broke up with me, again. This time it was for good. She made sure of it. I knew it when I walked into the room and saw her making out with Bebe. I didn’t expect it, but when I saw them, which was after we broke up, I immediately left the room. I remembered calling Kyle, running to the bathroom, and throwing up a few times as tears ran down my cheeks. It was embarrassing.

I looked over at Kyle in the car while a tear ran down my cheek. “What? You going to laugh at me this time?” I had asked.

I watched him for a brief second and then he turned to me. “Stan, I can’t do this anymore. I know you’re drunk, but...I love you. I really do. Watching you get your heart broken is like letting someone press a hot iron stamp into my heart. It burns and hurts...I just hope that you’ll remember in the morning...”

I took his hand as Kyle drove me silently to his house.

After that, I never answered or texted Wendy back. In fact, I remembered what Kyle had said. When a few days went by after our conversation, I invited Kyle out to City Wok and we ate together. We told each other jokes until the end where I told him.

“I know I’ve made many mistakes in the past by letting Wendy break my heart...and I always ran to you to help me get her back when I should have been looking at you. Kyle, when I say this, I mean it. I’m in love with you. Maybe we could start dating; be boyfriends?”

“I’d love to,” Kyle said. He reached for my hand and we ended up going to my house right away. We cuddled, made out, and relaxed. I never had felt so alive in my entire life.

I hope that Kyle-

Oh, I gotta go. Kyle’s done in the shower, and we’re going to a movie at the theater. I’ll write later.

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fIf anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	12. Entry 9- Dec 3, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Entry 9- Dec 3, 2018  
Dear friend,

I haven’t enjoyed any fun time in such a long time. Being with Kyle has given me a small sense of hope. Please let these last few days last. Please.

With love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	13. Letter from Ian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Stan, I care about you. Ian Coyne

**Reply:**

  
Dear Ian,

That’s so sweet to hear. I never really knew that so many people cared about me. It’s like from the book Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve” and I don’t accept very much.

Sorry I’m going off on a tangent, but thank you.

With love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to interact in these entries please send asks to my blog here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	14. Kyle's Letters #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send Kyle or Stan letters here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Kyle’s Letters #1

Times have been really hard lately on everyone. Especially on Stan. I still can’t believe this is all happening. I’ve been trying to forward letters to him to keep him busy. I added him to a pen pal program that I’m also part of. Maybe interacting with people without being face to face would help him? I have no idea anymore. There’s so much I don’t know and so much I wish I could do to help him.

All I really could do was help give him a break from everything by taking him home for a week and treating him. I just want to see Stan smile again and hope he feels the way he used to. All I can do now is help sort things out for him with these letters and just be there for him. 

-Kyle

———–

**Kyle is now available for questions**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send Kyle or Stan letters here: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	15. Letters from Anon 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send Kyle or Stan letters go here:  
> https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Anon

dear Kyle, so what was all the stuff Stan said about you leaving him for Cartman? why'd you do that?

**Reply from Kyle**

  
Anon,

Stan was talking about what happened years ago with Cartman’s stupid burger joint. I didn’t know at the time that Stan was developing depression and when he came to me drunk babbling on about things I just got frustrated. I told him to sober up and come back later when he was making sense. I think since then he’s been afraid of me leaving him, but I wouldn’t ever.

I’ve learned alot more since the last time and I’m not really a kid anymore. I know what he’s facing is real and definitely real and important to him even if it seems silly to me and everyone else. I still feel guilty about it honestly. I just wish I was smarter and knew about it before.

-Kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send Kyle or Stan letters go here:  
> https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	16. Letter from Shineyboysparky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send Kyle or Stan letters go here:  
> https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Kyle, I implore you if you do but one thing please just keep Stan safe and remind he is loved and cared for. He needs you Kyle. He is in a very bad place. If it is possible keep him around loved ones as often as possible clinical facilities often just make people feel worse.

**Reply from Kyle:**

  
Shineyboysparky,

I can promise you that his safety and health is the highest priority I have. I know I can’t always visit him because of when he’s in therapy and under treatment, but I usually visit him every day after school. If I cant get in, I wait until he’s done and call him later. (they usually tell me when he’ll be done) Right now, I’m not sure having him around people other than me, my family, and his family is quite a good idea yet.

The guys have offered to help and they’ve written him nice things (even cartman after I punched him) for him all wishing him well and speedy recovery. The only one I think has any real idea of what Stan is facing is Craig because of Tweek’s anxiety and paranoia. We talk sometimes about their treatments and dealing with it actually. Kenny’s also been a real help too.

-Kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send Kyle or Stan letters go here:  
> https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	17. Letter from Anon 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send Kyle or Stan letters go here:  
> https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear Kyle, how are *you* holding up? we haven't heard a lot about how you're dealing with Stan being in the ward, or whatever it's called. we know you want to take care of him but please make sure you're healthy too. you're both very important.

**Reply from Kyle:**

  
Anon,

I’m holding up alright. I’ve got my own issues that aren’t as serious. I’ve had some therapy because of my shitty childhood “adventures” in South Park, but really im okay. It’s stressful not having Stan at my side or being able to see him whenever I want, but i know this is for the best. They’re helping him work through this better than I ever could. I still go to therapy every now and again and I get support from friends like I said earlier.

Thank you for the concern though. It’s really kind of you to be worried over me too.

-Kyle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send Kyle or Stan letters go here:  
> https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	18. Entry 10- Dec 4, 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send letters to Kyle or Stan: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/

Dear friend,

Kyle and I made cupcakes today and long story short, I got blue icing stains all over my face. It won’t come off, sooo great. Kyle thinks its hilarious!

His mom said we should make some cupcakes while they’re gone for the next few days to visit some other family. I felt bad that they couldn’t take Kyle but they didn’t seem to really mind. They took Ike, too.

Kyle’s actually falling asleep on the couch right now. I walked off for a minute into the kitchen for a fifth cupcake and second cup of coffee. I’m sitting on the counter right now. I have to admit after being forced to sit in a room with hardly any belongings and technology, I noticed how detailed Kyle’s skin is. From every dip in his face when he smiles to every single freckle that decorates his face like seeds on a strawberry. He’s handsome as all get out. I’m lucky to have him. I like it when he smiles about something he’s saying, or when he doesn’t realize I’m watching. I’m a fool in love. I’m a lovesick puppy who wants nothing more than to follow Kyle around. Was I this way when I was dating Wendy? I can’t even remember anymore.

I’m going to sneak back to Kyle from snuggles. He smells like clean linen and cigarette smoke. Even though I have asthma, it makes me feel at home. I love you, Kyle Broflovski. I have to start counting down the hours soon, and it’s going to be hard.

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send letters to Kyle or Stan: https://dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com/


	19. Kyle & Stan Entry #1

**Stan and Kyle Entry #1**

  
Dear friend,

I…the week is over and I had nothing to even say. Kyle dumped me off at this place again. I know he cares about me, wants me back and healthy, and wants me to be happy. I’m just starting to feel like being here isn’t helping. Ruth Ann says it’s good for me, but why? All I do is cry or distract myself until the memories start to flood inside of me like I’m a sick fuck.

I don’t get it. What the hell happened?! All Kyle can fucking tell me is he found me on the god damn bathroom floor in the school after his basketball game! I wasn’t responsive. Just a crying mess. Part of me wonders if I was having another break down because of Sparky passing, or something. I wish I could just remember. Then Kyle wouldn’t be so upset with me! I can see it in his eyes. He wants me to remember. He wants me to be his Stan again, whoever that is.

I’m starting to feel like I’m just a lost cause. I guess I haven’t gotten the cognitive thinking really started yet. Maybe I will. I’m just sitting in the bathroom for another five minutes until my time is up. I’m just sitting on the stool. Please let this nightmare end. Someone has to know what happened to me. They have to…

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

—

The day finally came. I had to take stan back and god it was the worst. I felt awful leaving him there. It’s for the best and I tried to tell him that. I tried to tell him that being here will help get all those shitty feelings out of him because i dont fucking know how to help him, but it hurts so much seeing those sweet puppy eyes watching me as i left.

My room feels so empty now without him. I just want to help him get better so he can get out. I only care about his well being and i just want to see him smile again without any worry in those eyes.

stan, im so sorry

-Kyle


	20. Entry 11- Dec 12, 2018

Entry 11- Dec 12, 2018

  
Dear friend,

Nothing is the same. I’m starting to remember a bit more and more. I sound like a broken record, but its true. I’ve been ignoring my journal because I’ve been in deep thought while listening to music and sitting outside when I’m allowed to. It’s weird. I’ll write more on it when I can get all these thoughts processed.

Ruth Ann said its good to get out for a while, but I should be writing down my thoughts. I just don’t want to share certain aspects yet. Kyle came by today and gave me a crunch bar, peanut butter, and a bottle of strawberry milk. We enjoyed it together while he smoked his cigarette. It was nice to just feel like I was on another date.

Good news is that I think I’m on good terms with this facility, so I get my door back. However, I’m getting a roommate tomorrow. Kind of nervous…

Wish me luck.

With love,

Stanley Marsh


	21. Entry 12- Dec 15, 2018

Entry 12- Dec 15, 2018

Dear friend,

I haven’t felt this pain in my chest for a while. It’s so heavy that its causing my heart to feel as though it weighs a ton. I just want to cry and cry, but I don’t want an aid to walk in here just to check on me. I know why they are. My roommate is coming tomorrow night and if they see me like this, they’ll probably tell Ruth Ann that I’m having another break down. I just can’t help it.

I should be getting my vistaril soon, so maybe it’ll kick in before I get any fucking worse. Maybe if I scream in my pillow it’ll prevent the aids to hear me. Who knows. 

If I could, I would grab a blade and start it up again. I can’t. I fucking can’t. If I do, Kyle will hate me. He’ll be disappointed. I have to. I just have to!

I can’t…fuck…

With love,

Stanley Marsh


	22. Entry 13- Dec 15, 2018

Entry 13- Dec 15, 2018

Dear friend,

I’m having another break down. I can’t breathe


	23. Entry 14- Dec 16, 2018

Entry 14- Dec 16, 2018  
Dear friend,

I forgot to tell you guys why my roommate never showed up a few days ago. Apparently they weren’t ready to come yet, only because of something about paperwork. I don’t know exactly all of the details, but that’s all I know.

He’s here though. Disheveled blonde hair, blue-green eyes, and constantly jittering about. Screaming. His name is Tweek Tweak. His boyfriend is Craig Tucker. Craig left Tweek a little over an hour ago and Tweek can’t stop crying. I had to step out of the room because…the way he was crying made me feel uncomfortable. Craig left Tweek with a loving kiss on the lips, forehead, and chin. It reminded me of when Kyle found me in the bathroom that night.Unable to stop crying.

I just don’t know what to do. I need to tell Kyle and everyone what happened. I know a little of what happened. I’m really starting to put the pieces together. I could never ever wish for this to happen to anyone. 

I was supposed to have a visitor today but I sent him away. Pete. Apparently he wanted to see me because he heard I was here, but just the thought of him seeing me alone made antsy. I can’t and I won’t see anyone that makes me feel such a way.

A nurse walked in a little bit ago after they said Pete left, she said that Michael wanted to know if he could see me too. I told them no. Only if its Kyle or my mom. 

I wish my sister would at least visit me once. She can be a bitch, but I really could use her right now at this time. She can be a good sister. She really can. When I was crying one night in my room because our parents were arguing about the financial burden of me being in a hospital, she came to me and made me feel better. She told me everything would be okay.Shelly can be another person if she wants to be. Maybe someday I can do the same for her. Be there for her if she ever needs me.

With Love,

Stan Marsh


	24. Entry 15- Dec 20, 2018

Entry 15- Dec 20, 2018

Dear Friend,

So, i’ve been away for a few days and here’s why. I got picked up by my family yesterday and Kyle stopped by. He gave me an early Christmas present: A camera. He gave me a camera so I can take pictures of things to remember so I can put it in a scrapbook.

I’m pretty excited because it’s one of those instant ones. Where your picture instantly prints out! It’s so cool! I’ll attach a picture or two, maybe more, to show off some! I’m feeling pretty good! Mom and dad are asleep upstairs while Shelly and I are watching some movies together. It’s really nice. Ah.

I’ll attach the pictures here:

With Love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! I forgot to upload this, and then yesterday I caught a 24 hour stomach bug and could not keep anything down! I apologise!  
> art (c) dannyVHS


	25. Kyle's Letters #2

# Kyle’s Letter #2

It’s not fair. Life is not fair. It will never be fair no matter what deity you believe in. I’m not sure what I even believe in anymore. Everything was finally good. He was finally good. He was happy. Hanukkah was happy. Christmas was happy. Two families came together to be happy and enjoy the company just like we do every single year. 

But life isn’t fucking fair.

(very long entry and mentions of: self harm, depression, smoking, questioning religion)

I don’t know what happened. We were fine. _He was fine._

Stan wasn’t fine.

And I wasn’t there to help him. 

I found Stan self harming in the bathroom. He had a breakdown and I didn’t even know it. How did I not know it? How did I not see it? I helped him, dressed his wounds, held him while he cried, then put him to bed. I stayed with him until he slept before I went for a smoke break out back. 

I couldn’t even light the damn cigarette. My hands shook too much as I started crying. I’m not gonna lie. I fucking cried. Stan is suffering and there is nothing I can do and it’s killing me to watch him slowly die in front of my eyes. It was really late at night, but I screamed into the sky. I screamed my lungs out, demanding God give me a fucking answer. How could he let Stan suffer like this? 

How the fuck could he allow this to happen to anyone? Especially Stan? Stan isn’t evil. He isn’t some horrible sinner or murderer or what have you. He’s a good, innocent boy _who doesnt fucking deserve this._

_“Where are you!?” I screamed at the stars. “Where the fuck are you when we need you?!”  
_

No where. 

Stan is back in the hospital. I’m sitting on my computer. Useless.

-Kyle


	26. Entry 16- Jan 5, 2019

Entry 16- Jan 5, 2019  
Dear friend,

Christmas and New Year’s was well spent with my family and Kyle’s family. I really wished things could have panned out differently though. I had been fine and things had been perfect until January 2nd when I went to the bathroom of the Broflovski home.

I was just going into the bathroom when I saw it. A razor. Usually Kyle put them up before I came into the bathroom but I think Gerald forgot about it. No I didn’t need it but instinct had me grabbing it. I took it apart with shaking fingers. I didn’t have a whole lot of time. Kyle could come back any minute.

I hadn’t relapsed again for a while- since November? Maybe? Well, I went for it. I started to slice at my skin and it felt so good. I missed the feeling but it hurt. It felt good to hurt. I probably got a fourth cut into my arm when Kyle knocked at the door. I froze and started to cry.

Kyle ended up being let inside and saw me. He saw me bawling like a baby. I thought Kyle would have killed me. He didn’t. He cleaned me up, walked me to our room, and held me close. He held me while I cried about nonsense. I cried for a while until I calmed down and fell asleep.

I’m back at the hospital and I couldn’t feel any more worse than i have in a while.


	27. Entry 17- Jan 14, 2019

Dear friend,

I woke up and all I could smell was the foul, yet delicious taste of alcohol. One time there was a party at Clyde’s where I remember getting so wasted that I was talking to some plant for a short time and when I woke up, I was laying in the passenger seat of Kyle’s car. He was driving me home. I’ve been doing so well without alcohol but sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat and everything is wrong. I know this entry is slightly odd to mention but I can’t shake this. It’s making me sick. I have a headache. I’m clammy. I’m throwing up. I just want Kyle here. I need him. All the nurse has given me is a sticky, syrupy cherry liquid that’s supposed to help. It hasn’t. Fuck, I can’t stop.

With love,

Stanley Marsh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I forgot to upload these!! :(


	28. Entry 18- Jan 29, 2019

Dear friend,

Something is wrong with me…

I haven’t spoken in so long because I’ve tried to go outside when I can and listen to music, but I feel as though there is something wrong with me…


	29. Entry 19- Jan 31, 2019

Dear friend,

I’m finally feeling better. These past few weeks have been rough, but holy shit I’m feeling better. All I’m waiting for is Kyle to visit. Tweek and I have been attending this painting class with each other. I’m working on a painting of Kyle. I’ll have to take a picture of it with my Polaroid shortly or in another entry when I can get tape. Hell, Tweek is working on a picture of Craig but there’s a shit ton of coffee stains on it, It’s actually really cute.

Yesterday Ruth Ann insisted I continue working with my painting class and taking pictures.

Tomorrow I’m going to attend this one activity where we learn to dance. I’m not the best but I’ll see. 

I can finally breathe.

With love,

Stan Marsh


	30. Entry 20- Feb 10, 2019

Dear friend,

I’ve taken up dancing and painting, like I said previously. Things have really taken a turn for me. Everything is so nice and wonderful. Kyle’s been seeing me a little more, but I have been busy with things. I can finally say that I’ll be able to leave this facility for a short time on Valentine’s Day. They said I can try to go back home and enjoy my life. They think I’m ready.

I don’t.

I do.

Yet, I don’t.

Something just isn’t right. I think I’m just scared. Although…I should be scared. When I came back from my visit with Kyle, I came to my room and found a letter. It was written in a black pen on notebook paper:

Do I show Kyle or a doctor? I folded it up and placed it under the mattress.

When I slept, I heard someone whisper in my ear, “I’m coming back.”


	31. Kyle’s Letters #3

I don’t usually admit this willingly, but I’m scared. I’m very very scared.

I took the letter to Wendy since she knows practically everyone’s handwriting and she was honestly stumped for awhile. She’s doing a lot of research to help me figure out who wrote it and I thank her for it. Things might have been hard between us before, but we’re figuring it out. She’s still there to help us and I’m there to help if she needs me. (although i doubt im of any use to anyone at this point)

I’ve been smoking a lot more than I had been before. I wouldnt normally mention this, but my mom has been up my ass about it. I still follow her rules about where i can and not stinking up the house. It’s just hard to relax lately. I dont know if Stan looks at my writings, but i hope he doesnt see this one. i dont want him worrying. he has too much going on right now. I ended up throwing up after my last bit of smoking. it was awful.

i dont know what to do without stan and im not there to protect him like i promised. i promised him id protect him when we were kids and i’ve held up that promise even into adulthood. I’m never going to stop protecting Stan. Not until the day I die.

-kyle


	32. Entry 21- Feb 13, 2019

Dear friend,

I know my last letter was badly written, but I was terrified. I’m still scared but security has been raised for me. My bedroom door is now being monitored at all times, and when I asked Tweek if anyone came in while I was gone that day he said it was just the woman who brings us mail. It just makes no fucking sense. I don’t get it! I don’t!

I’m nervous about getting another letter. Kyle swore it was a goth, but I have this feeling it’s not. I feel like it’s someone else. Someone that knew of my goth phase in school.

Mail could be here any time so let’s hope nothing else comes about. Kyle and Wendy are trying their best to figure out who wrote the letter. I’m not good with handwriting- the only people I know very well are Cartman, Kyle, Wendy, Kenny, and Butters. No one else.

Part of me wonders if someone is messing with me. I wonder if I should contact an old friend. Well…we were friends until he found out my friends wanted me to beat him up.

With love,

Stanley Marsh


	33. Kyle & Stan Entry #2

Dear friend,

I’m…wow…I haven’t felt so loved in so long…

The cigarette smoked rolled in waves as Kyle’s arm stayed around my shoulders with affection. I shut my eyes to just relive the moment.

Kyle took me out of the facility to give me some air from this crazy letter nonsense. I hadn’t received any as of late, but getting out was the perfect way to fix my mind- to clear it.

The ginger dragged me into his bedroom after we rode on his motorcycle with such speed that I swore Kyle was more excited for me to go with him for the weekend. Our mouths clashed against each others, tongues and teeth. Noses bumping noses. My hands threaded into Kyle’s hair, curly and red, while his hands went to my hips. 

I breathed out Kyle’s name just to part for just a split second to take in a breath so I wouldn’t have an asthma attack. He leaned down and began to press loving kisses, starting at my jaw. Each kiss that was I received, made my heart hammer heavily against my rib cage. The kisses traveled from my jaw all the way to my collar. He pulled away then pressed a kiss to my chest, right where my heart would be.

_And that’s where I’m cutting off Stan’s post!_

Ain’t letting that get out oops haha. We’re doing fine lately and I’ve been trying to get him out of that hospital more and more. I know it’s probably not the best thing to do for him since he does need the help, but I miss him so badly and who knows what’s going on in there? This is South Park after all. 

I swear Stan is the last good thing in this town, hell, maybe the world, and im not going to let anyone especially a letter hurt him. I haven’t been checking up on his blog lately since it keeps reminding me of reality and what’s going on.

God i want this to be over. I want Stan back for good.

-Kyle


	34. Entry 22- Mar 20, 2019

Dear friend,

Wendy visited today. 

A knock came to my door, followed by, “Stanley, you have a visitor.”

I looked up to see Wendy; my ex girlfriend. She wore a purple sweater, jean mini skirt, and a purple hat. In her hands, she held a bag in her hands from a fast food restaurant and another bag, which had two bottles of water inside. 

She cleared her throat. “Stan, I came to see you. If that’s okay. I brought your favorite food for lunch- I know you really like your Marsh salad. Lettuce, spinach, chopped eggs, provolone, and vegan green goddess dressing,” she said.

What could it hurt?

For a while we sat at the table, eating in silence. I fiddled with the cap of the water bottle for a moment and softly asked, “Did you figure out who wrote that letter to me?”

“I did,” she replied, wiping her lips with a napkin.

“Well, who is it?” I asked.

She sat still then she pushed a cookie towards me, which I easily pushed back.

“Tell me,” I pressed.

I watched the way her mouth opened and closed to only open again, “Gary Harrison,” she replied.

I froze. 

“Why would he threaten me?” 

“That’s what Kyle and I are trying to figure out,” she said.

“Fuck…I know I was a dick to him at first and then he found out what really happened, but why would he even call me Raven?” I questioned.

“Stan, Bebe and I scanned everyone’s handwriting in the school from the past and present. All we could match up was him. At first we thought it was Butters, but he hearts his I’s not bubbles. Gary did that. Kyle and I are going to find out where he lives and give him a visit,” Wendy said.

“Alright,” I said.

We cleaned up without a word. Not even a glance at each other.

Before she left, she gave me a warm, tight hug. “I’ll never stop loving or protecting you,” she whispered.

I’ve been sitting here for quite some time at my desk, playing mindless games of rummy and slap jack with Tweek. However, I can’t concentrate. Gary. Gary is the one in charge of this. He started this all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow the blog on tumblr: dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com  
> You can even submit questions :)


	35. Entry 23- Mar 28, 2019

Dear friend,

Tweek and I have been hanging out more. I decided to come clean to him what was going on I know I shouldn’t have but I had to say something. Even though I take Vistaril to help me sleep, this strange feeling goes through me when I can’t sleep. I wake up sometimes and my heart is racing so hard and fast that when I try to calm down, I can hear my heart thumping in my entire being. It’s like you can’t relax or breathe.

* * *

I sat on the bleachers with Kenny, Butters, Craig, Tweek, Clyde, and Token while watching the basketball players run along the floor. The ball went into Kyle’s hands, he dribbled it to three pointer line and he slowly turned towards me. Everything went quiet. If a pin dropped, I swear I’d be able to hear it. 

When Kyle turned to look at me, Gary’s face went over his. It was terrifying. I tried to stand but I was glued down to the seat. I whimpered out to Kenny, who didn’t even breathe or move, “Kenny, help-”

“All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan. But you were so high and mighty that you couldn’t just look past my religion and be my friend back. You’ve got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls ,” Gary said, just like he had years ago. He suddenly threw the basketball at my face.

* * *

When I woke up, I sat up immediately and felt the sweat pouring down my face. I looked over slowly to see that Tweek was right by the bed with a bottle of water and a wet wash cloth. 

“He-Hey! I s-saw you wer-were having a night-nightmare,” Tweek said softly to me. He sat down on the bed, handed me the wash cloth, and the bottle of water.

“Thank you,” I said wiping at my blue eyes, tired and distressed. “Tweek, I have to tell you something.”

Immediately, I told him everything. Everything that I knew. That Gary was a suspect, that I was self-harming, and I was recovering from being an alcoholic. 

Rather than Tweek freaking out like I thought, he just asked, “Can I give yo-you a hug?”

I nodded softly.

We hugged each other for quite a while. It was so quiet but also relaxing. Even though Tweek was shaking uncontrollably. 

“If-If it is Gary, Cr-Craig and Kyle can beat him up!” Tweek said against my shoulder.

“That’s true. I was too much of a pussy to do it, but here we are,” I said gently. 

When we parted, I pulled out my Polaroid camera and asked, “Can…Can I take a picture with you? I just want to take these so I can remember the bad with the good.”

He didn’t seem like he wanted to at first, but he nodded. I adjusted myself and then we snapped a photo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art by: dannyVHS.tumblr.com


	36. Entry 24- April 18, 2019

Dear friend,

Kyle’s been a little distant. I don’t know what’s happened. I saw him yesterday and he just seemed so troubled. 

We sat together outside under the weeping willow, holding hands. He looked at me then towards the gate surrounding us and the building. He stuck a cigarette between his lips, lighting it. Sucking in the nicotine, I sensed the stress immediately. I was a problem to him. I am.

“Stan,” he breathed out. “I really wish I could figure out what happened. I never thought it would be Gary. Wendy keeps telling me that’s all she can pinpoint, but I don’t believe it.”

“When are you supposed to be meeting up with him?” I asked, playing with my bandaged left arm.

“In a few days. He’s meeting Wendy and I at City Wok on Sunday at noon,” he replied with the cigarette back in his mouth. “come on. Let’s get you inside, okay?”  
  
With a nod, he walked with me back to my room and gave me a kiss.

When he left, the tears flooded my eyes. I couldn’t stop them.

I hugged the blue stuffed dog, Andy, to my chest until I fell asleep.

Any time I fall asleep now, I have nightmares. There’s nothing this place can do to prevent them.

* * *

“My sweet raven,” a soft voice whispered in the dark.

My eyes snapped open, but I said not a word.

“Raven? Are you awake?” the voice whispered.

With a shaky hand, I grabbed a flashlight from under my pillow, turned it on, and faced the beam in direction of the voice. 

What I saw was terrifying. I couldn’t stop looking. 

It was as though Kyle and Gary were split down their middles and forced together, yet bloodier. The hybrid laughed wickedly whilst holding up a cage. 

“Ready for your wings to be clipped, Raven? You’ll never run away again,” it said demonically. 

I blinked and then I was inside the cage, my legs were chopped off and the hybrid stood before me, giggling. 

“Such a good raven. My caged bird shall never leave again,” it cackled.

I screamed as loud as I could.

* * *

I kept screaming. Screaming for all I was worth. Calling out for Kyle. Mom. Dad. Sparky. Anyone that wasn’t Gary. 

Hands tried to hold me down as I tried to push them away. I sobbed and hiccuped for Kyle. Everything hurt- even my lungs burned. I could feel my throat starting to constrict.

A needle was shoved into my arm then I felt my inhaler in my mouth.

When things came to, I was in ICC with an IV in my arm. I looked down at my arm. A reminder of what I had done to myself. 

I want to end me. I can’t do this anymore.

A blonde nurse stepped into the room. “Stanley, Kyle is on his way. He will be here soon,” she said to me.

Kyle did come. He looked exhausted. I could hardly even look at him. Guilt was overwhelming as it filled me like a lead block in the pit of my stomach. He ended up falling asleep in the chair while he held my hand.

I’m too much for Kyle. He doesn’t need this…

with love,

Stan Marsh


	37. Kyle's Letters #4

God damn it I’m starting to hate this place and hate this stupid blog. I know, i know, it’s suppose to be for stan’s benefit and yada yada but god there is too much going on right now.

I guess this is the part of the show where I update about life and junk. I haven’t been sleeping well because of my own nightmares. Already had ones about when I was a kid and now I have worse ones about Stan. I’ve been chain-smoking like crazy lately. I actually threw up behind the school when smoking. I hate the goth kids, but I can bum cigarettes off them. I didn’t tell them much since I fucking hate them, but honestly? Henrietta really is the kindest of the group. She’s the most sane. Kinda like a mom figure. The others however can literally go light themselves on fire.

I saw Gary during free period. I beat him up. Didn’t mention why. Just did it. I saw him and all I saw was red. I don’t really remember it. Got detention for it but its worth it. He hurt Stan. He hurt my entire world. He hurt the only innocent thing left in this town. (Okay, minus Tweek and Butters. They’re pretty soft still even after we grew up, but Tweek’s in the hospital too and Butters is just an idiot.)

I don’t want Stan to worry but I might have to go to a doctor soon. Not a mental one, but a legit physical doctor. I don’t sleep. My lungs hurt all the time. (I know its the smoking so shut the fuck up. i just need to make sure it’s not anything serious yet) I can’t believe I’m saying it, i wish i was a kid again. Even though those times really fucked me up once I realized what we did, what happened to us, it still was much simpler then.

I want this to end

-Kyle


	38. Entry 25- May 19, 2019

Dear friend,

I can’t go into detail but I’m starting to tell that a storm is coming. I can’t stop it. I’m so scared.

With love,

Stanley Marsh


	39. Kyle's Letters #5

I guess I owe everyone on this blog an apology. We’ve been radio silent for awhile now, not because things have gone wrong, but because things mellowed out and we just are back to square one. There’s nothing to say right now. After I ended up beating Gary up in rage, Wendy and I finally confronted him about the entire situation. I couldn’t wait much longer to find out the truth.

I saved a recording of it because i wanted the confession. I wanted the audio for police, but that’s not what I got. You never get what you want in this fucking town. You get more messed up shit throwing you deeper and deeper into the shit hole.

I don’t even know if I can release the evidence. Why the hell would anyone care? I mean, I could. I could if it mattered. If the empty void im shouting into shouted back.

I will if you guys really want me to, but long story short, Gary was framed. Someone copied his handwriting. He’s completely innocent. We’re out of leads. Out of options.

I can’t fucking do this anymore. I can’t handle this anymore. I love Stan. I always have, but this is becoming greater than the shit we did as kids, not because its involving the general public, but because it’s involving me. It’s involving Stan. It’s involving my family.

The smoke is burning my lungs. My eyes keep stinging. My fingers are bleeding from plucking the strings of the guitar over and over, trying to clear my head. The calluses cant handle the amount of sorrow i have. I’m no fucking better than Stan. The only difference he got help. He has people who care. I could never tell him what’s in my head, the things I think about late at night.

I could never be in his position. There’s no where to go from here. There’s no turn around, no answers, no magic happy ending. Things don’t just get better because you find a bit of hope deep inside you. They don’t get better because you pray to God for a miracle. News flash: miracles are lies fed to you from those above you to keep you from slashing your throat open.

I might not know many things, but I know one thing is certain.

There is no God.

-Kyle


	40. Entry 26- May 26, 2019

Dear friend,

I haven’t heard or seen Kyle for a week. I feel so alone at times even when Tweek is with me. I just wanted to get some answers of my own about the conversation with Gary- how it went. Kyle swore up and down it was Gary. Gary hurt me. Gary was the one spreading notes.Gary was the one at the homecoming game. Yet, even when I went back to think if Gary was there I can’t see his face. Can’t ever see it. I can’t.

I walked blindly to the bathroom with my stuffed dog, blue and white, named Andy. I sat him down on the counter then backed up to a stall, sitting down. I buried my face in my hands as tears began to stream down my face. There is no answer to why I’m fucked up. I’m broken! 

Standing up, I slammed the door shut to the stall and sobbed out. I collapsed to the floor with shoulders heaving up and down. Tears streamed heavy and hot down my pale cheeks while everything I’d been holding onto puddled onto the floor in a pool of sorrow and hopelessness. What was I doing anymore? Who was I?

Before I could stop myself, I grabbed the knife from between the sole of my shoe- It wasn’t there. It wasn’t there. Just a note that was dirty from however long it was there. I read it:

_Stan,_

_If you need to hurt yourself, get a marker and write my name on your arms._

_love_

_Kyle_

I felt slight rage. He took the knife. God fucking damn it!

I slammed hands on the stall door in defeat. Today was not a win. Today was a fucking failure! Today was not good. I screamed out Kyle’s name in agony as the disgusting tears fell faster.

Before I knew it, a nurse was at my side, holding me. She whispered sweet nothings in my ear and rocked me as I sobbed out for Kyle or mom. I promised I didn’t hurt myself. She believed me.

She helped me and Andy to my room, giving me some medicine she claimed would calm me down. There was no calming this storm. She had no idea what the fuck I was going through.This was hell on earth for me. 

I stared at her with such a dead, solemn expression with my blue eyes, broken and bloodshot. 

She tucked me into bed, knowing the meds were just a narcotic to help crazy people like me fall asleep. 

* * *

They’re moving me to a private room. They said I’m too much for Tweek. I can’t be by myself…I’m scared to be alone. Help me…


	41. Send Kyle or Stan letters?

If you ever want to interact with Kyle or Stan, send them letters and they will be answered!

Go to [dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com](dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com)


	42. Letters to Kyle and Stan #1

**anonymous asked:**

**Hey Kyle, are you okay? Got any leads yet on what’s happening? How are you holding up after what just happened??**

I covered alot of it in the last post here , but I’ve calmed down a bit since I’ve written that. I think I’m doing okay. I’ve been still searching since I posted last and..and im still stuck. im still at a dead end. i dont know what to do anymore

-kyle

\--

**anonymous asked:**

**Hey there Stan, how are you doing today? Have you heard from Kyle at all? I hope you’re okay, I’m worried about you guys.**

****

They moved my stuff to a separate room so I’m no longer sharing a room with Tweek. It’s kind of scary, but I’m just putting on a brave face for now. Tweek was telling me he thought he saw someone staring at me at night through a window, but maybe he’s dreaming.

Um, last time I saw Kyle we were…uh..kind of fighting…I’ll talk about that another time…

But I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. He doesn’t even know about the room change….I’m scared to be by myself.

  
\--

**anonymous asked:**

**Stan I need you to know the situation you are in isn’t your fault at all. I know this because I have been in the exact place you are. I know the allure of death is tempting far too tempting and seems like the ultimate freedom, but it comes at a cost hurting and/or destroying all those who care for you. So anytime you feel like giving letting depression win and hurting or killing yourself remember that would destroy Kyle the person who loves you most. The exact reason you can’t harm yourself.**

****

  
**-Stan**

\--

**shineyboysparky asked:**

**Kyle please don’t be mad at Stan? He really truly loves you with all his heart. Stan honestly is just terrified by everything going on around going on around him and is acting irrational because of it. Don’t blame him for lashing out at you. His illness just takes control of his thoughts and make him say and do anything to justify wanting and trying to successfully kill him. It’s a terrible responsibility but it’s your job to keep that from happening to him. I am sorry it has to be this way.**

we didnt fight over his mental state. I know hes irrational sometimes, but he’s usually self-attacking and not usually attacking others. We uh, we had a fight when he saw me smoking. I had to step out for a smoke like three times and stan got really angry. I should have been calmer with him, but i just blew up. Not my proudest moment i guess.

-kyle

\--

**shineyboysparky asked:**

**Kyle. You shouldn’t smoke period. It’s ok slow method of killing yourself. #PSA #SmokingKills**

yep trying to speed the process up here, chief

-kyle


	43. Entry 27- May 28, 2019

Dear friend,

Kyle and I had a fight.

It started off on Saturday, we were sitting in my room on the bed. I was in his lap, a safe place that made me feel like I was protected by a barrier. Nothing could hurt me. I held up a sheet of paper that was a cute drawing that I had done.

“It’s adorable, chickadee!” Kyle said taking the paper. “Hey, let me up for a second. I gotta go out for a break-”

“Why? You’ve gone outside like three or four times already in under two hours,” I interrupted immediately.

“I know, but, i just need a smoke.” Kyle said softly. I could tell something was up with him. The way he spoke suggested that this was more to him than it used to be. Like it was urgent he went.

“I get that, but why are you going so much? It’s not good for your lungs. I know I never say anything about you smoking but it’s not a good habit. You’re killing yourself,” I pressed.

“Why does it matter?” Kyle asked with a bit of a snap. I know he didn’t mean to snap. He never does unless I hit a nerve.

I usually didn’t keep going, but this was just bothering me. I removed myself from his arms, turned towards him, and said, “It matters because I don’t want you dying from lung cancer!”

“There’s no fucking point in living anyways,” kyle’s voice dropped almost to a mumble, like he didn’t want me hearing, but I heard it. I definitely heard it.

I couldn’t stop my jaw drop. There was no controlling the quiver in my lower lip. There was no controlling the tears filling my eyes.

“How could you say that? You’re…you’re always urging me to stay alive!” I practically cried out, trying to not reveal my throat being coated in tears.

Kyle wouldn’t look at me. Why wouldn’t he look at me? The more I watched him, I could tell he was frustrated and close to crying as well. I hit a very sensitive nerve and it was showing. “Forget it,” he said trying to push it aside

“No! I won’t forget it!” I snapped. I knew I shouldn’t have, but there was no stopping this. “Talk to me. Please. Kyle…Please…Just talk to me…” I reached for his hands.

Kyle pulled away and got up from the bed. “No, im not talking about this. You have enough to deal with.” He said firmly

I stood up in return, blocking him. He was not leaving. Not yet. “Kyle Broflovski, as your boyfriend, you still have to tell me what’s wrong with you-”

“I dont have to tell you anything!” he said getting angry. I pushed him over the line. Kyle usually had a very short temper with people, but with me, it took an awful lot to get him angry. He had always been so understanding and willing to work with me because of my depression, but now he was over the line. His fuse was lit. Kyle was an explosion about to go off.

Hearing him yell at me broke me in half. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. My throat filled heavily with tears, already over flowing.

"Why? I’m…I’m your boyfriend. I just thought you could talk to me like I talk to you-“

It was too late. The tears were there. They flowed down my eyes like Niagara Falls, never-ending and heavy.

"Stop. Stan, Stan- Stop it.” Kyle said back pedaling. “Please stop crying,"

"If you want to smoke just go ahead! It’s more important!I’m just annoying you! I’m making you smoke more!” I said through tears. I turned around, my back to Kyle, covering my face.

“Stan, that’s not true. Just- God, this is why i didnt want to talk about this!” Kyle said, his anger igniting again.

I tried to wipe my tears away but each tear I wiped was replaced with more. This was just insane. We were fine. We weren’t fighting. Kyle wasn’t smoking this much. I wasn’t having nightmares every night!

Turning around, I stared at him with the tears flowing. “Why? Do you just think that..that I think my problems are just more than yours!?” I couldn’t stop myself. I just could not stop the words.

“They are.” Kyle whispered softly. Now it was his turn. The tough ginger who would fight an army for what he believed in, who got into fist fights regularly, and hung out at bars with bikers, was crying. He didn’t outwardly sob like i was, but i saw the small tears running down his freckled cheeks. It was a sight not everyone saw.

I moved close to him, cupping his cheeks despite my own tears that flowed.

"Gingersnap…I’m here for you,“ I whispered to him with my disgusting stuffy nose.

Kyle’s head nuzzled into my hands as more tears fell down into them. "I-I cant add more onto you. I cant .”

I held onto him and kissed his forehead. “I know, but you gotta tell me things…I can’t read your mind. I can’t….I love you. Remember that…If you want, you can smoke…I won’t fight you anymore..”

“I’m sorry,” Kyle whispered. “I’m so sorry.” And that’s all he could say. There was no more fighting him. If I kept pressing, he wouldn’t open any further. There is so much more going on in that head that i just can’t see yet. I’m scared of what he’s thinking.

With love,

Stan Marsh


	44. Entry 28- May 29,2019

Dear friend,

I woke up during the night last night to a soft noise at the window. At first I thought it was just my imagination playing with me since Tweek had been telling me someone was at the window at night. I didn’t really believe him, but I was beginning to think he was right. Someone was there. Watching me.

Thing is, we had curtains but I usually slept with them open just so I could see the moon. Not to mention usually security was good, but something was wrong.

I waited until the noise stopped to get up. My feet touched the floor but felt a foreign object- paper. I turned my lamp on to see a piece of paper on the floor. Just as I had suspected. I grabbed it and began to read.

  
I wanted to destroy the letter. I wanted to get rid of this. All I could do was shove it in my journal, lay in my bed, and not sleep. I was not tired anymore. I was awake. Awake and unable to fall back asleep in fear that the man or woman in the window would return.

Usually I would go to the front desk and demand for Kyle, but I was scared to trust them now. They were letting someone in…Someone was allowing an outsider into my room.

Hell’s Pass was allowing someone to send me threatening letters.

I want out of here!

With love,

Stanley Marsh


	45. Gary's Interview

**What happened with Gary? I saw you mentioned a recording. Can we hear/read it?**   
**ASKED BY ANONYMOUS**

  
Gary is innocent. I’m not proud of how I handled this but, here.

“Start talking,” Kyle said firmly. Gary was sat on a chair that Wendy and Kyle had pulled into the janitor’s closet of the community center. Wendy had a flash light on him. It was the best interrogation they could do.

“What are you talking about?” Gary asked, trying to shield his eyes from the light. “We know you wrote the letter to Stan.” Wendy said putting a hand on her hip. “Why?”

“Stan? I haven’t talked to Stan in years!” Gary said. Kyle slapped him, unable to hold back his anger.

“Tell the god damn truth! Why are you stalking him, you sleazy son of a bitch!?” Kyle shouted in his face.

“I swear I didn’t do anything! I’d never stalk Stan!” Gary pleaded. Wendy reached into her pocket and took out the crumpled up note. She shoved it in his face. “Then what’s this? I analyze the handwriting against everyone we know and it was a match with your writing!”

“I..I didn’t write this!”

“Bullshit.” Kyle grabbed a pencil and took out another crumpled piece of paper from his coat pocket. “Write.”

“What-?”

“I said write damn it! Rewrite the note!” Kyle screamed in pure rage.

Gary fearfully copied the note onto the piece of paper. When he finished, Kyle snatched it from him in anger, ready to jump on him. His eyes scanned between the notes and he froze up.

“What?” Wendy asked.

“They’re..not the same.”

Wendy took the papers and looked over them in disbelief. “What? But, but the handwriting matched-”

“It was close, Wendy. Someone copied his handwriting.” Kyle said.

“See!? I swear I would never hurt Stan! Never! Let me go, guys, I won’t say a word. I understand you’re scared and maybe I could help-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Kyle punched him in the face. Wendy pushed him back shouting his name in surprise and concern.

“Kyle, stop it! He’s innocent!”

Wendy continued to beg, but Kyle thrashed against her managing to her a few more blows into Gary in pure rage before she used her strength to open the door and push him out onto the floor.

The tape ends there.


	46. Entry 29- June 16-20, 2019

Dear Friend,

I can’t sleep.

With love,

Stan

–

Dear Friend,

Kyle came over for a few minutes just to tell me about how he got a job at an auto-shop. He insisted he was going to help my mom pay my psychiatric bills. I told him not to worry about it. He shook his head, gave me a kiss, and we ate lunch together.

With love,

Stan.

–

Dear Friend,

I remember when I first got here all because I attempted suicide, but they kept me longer. Mom insisted I stay even more because of my nightmares and inability to sleep. Not to mention my drinking and cutting.

I was craving a White Russian, or a large Jack Daniel’s.

One night, I was at Cartman’s with the gang and we drank, but not Kyle.Cartman was so drunk that he was telling us how he was anything but straight. Kenny got so drunk that he was telling us about Hell.Then there was me, I was crying over Kyle. Literally. I sat in his lap and told him how much I loved him with tears streaming down my face.

Once the night had settled, Kyle took me outside in my drunken state, wobbling against his shoulders to backyard. We lay outside on a blanket together while I sang the song Perfect by Ed Sheeran to Kyle. He took my hand and told me he’d love me forever, that it was a promise.

We fell asleep together.

I miss those days.

with love,

Stan Marsh

–

Dear friend,

I woke up to a nurse in my room with a pill in a tiny cup. She told me it was time for my meds, so I took them. It’s becoming so..repetitive and robotic. Wake up. Medicine. Eat. Medicine. Activity. Eat. Therapy. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. I want out of here so badly. I just want it over with…

with love,

Stan Marsh

–

Dear friend,

I was pulled out today to go to the high school with Kyle. The school was opened for anyone to get their yearbooks, so Kyle thought it would be perfect timing to go.

When I got mine, I bumped into Henrietta and Michael. I froze. Kyle had walked to the bathroom and said he’d be a minute. I was alone.

“Hey, Raven,” Henrietta said.

I swallowed. “Hi. Congrats on graduating,” I said.

“Thanks. I hope you’re doing better. We were going to see you at Hell’s Pass today- We were just about to go to see Pete,” Henrietta said.

“Pete’s there?” I said confused.

Michael nodded with a small sigh. “Yeah. He’s there because of being a pyromaniac and his cynical way of life. He’s been almost as long as you have. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it,” he said.

Everything went in a 360. I don’t know what it was. Something was causing me to have a panic attack. It was like that night all over again.

Next thing I knew, Kyle was in front of me. Screaming my name as everyone watched in fear. In fear that I had gone silent. In fear that I was dying. In fear that I wouldn’t return to reality.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I was frozen.

My abusive ex-boyfriend had been living in the same facility without me knowing.


	47. Letter Replies

**STAN:** Honestly, the doctor is helping me. The only issue I have now is the whole stalker issue.

 **STAN:** And to be honest, last I talked to Ruth Ann and Dr. Rohatgi, I’m supposed to be released in August. 

**STAN:** Hopefully.

**STAN:** Um, since November? I attempted suicide one night on the roof. I wasn’t going to to at first but something told me to do it

 **STAN:** Mom came home just in time

 **STAN:** Well, they looked at the tapes and found out that the only person who comes into my room are the nurses and office workers. 

**STAN:** They don’t know where they came from. 

**STAN:** Kyle said if it doesn’t clear up, he’s taking me out. He wants whats best for me.

**STAN:** …

**STAN:** I don’t know if he meant it but he came off as controlling.

**STAN:** I was only to ever go by Raven and to like tell him where I was. He hated Kyle. Hated him. If he ever came by, Pete would drag me away like I was his dog on a leash. I wasn’t allowed to be with Kyle without permission. It was crazy. I found out he had just developed an unhealthy obsession with me.

**STAN:** I thought it was just because he cared about me until he punched me in the face; he was drunk. I came over to see him after my volunteer hours at the vet office and he was not happy.

**STAN:** When that happened, I broke up with him and Kyle picked me up shortly after. I didn’t speak to Pete for weeks even though the phone calls were crazy. 

**STAN:** Two weeks later, Kyle and I started dating. We went to his game and that’s where it gets fuzzy.

–

**Want to ask Stan anything else? Send him letters at dearstanmarsh.tumblr.com**


	48. ???

Do you know why the caged bird sings? He is mine and will be mine forever.

Watch out, Kyle.


	49. What the fuck? - Kyle

# 

okay uh stan and i didnt make that last post??? I changed our password and put on more security but what the actual fuck. i dont know who got access to our tumblr account but that wasnt us??? 

dont let stan know that happened. im trying to keep him from knowing.

-kyle


	50. Entry 30- July 19, 2019

Dear friend,

I’ve been so quiet. I have no words.. I’ve kept secrets from so many of you- from myself even. I’m scared. The doctors have stepped up so now I can’t even go to the bathroom without an escort. 

I have to eat in my room just to avoid Pete even though I’ve never seen him.

The letters stopped coming. All I get is a trip from the CMT just to pour medicine down my throat to relax my nerves- to put me to sleep. It’s like they’ve increased everything on me.

Ruth Ann greeted me like she always did and gave me her loving, caring smile. She was the only person who gave a shit about me in this working facility. She deserved a raise. Something. Anything.

She never pushed me for information unless I said it on my own. If it was too much, she would stop and let me breathe or think or anything to help me.

“You brought up Pete, what was he like?” she asked.

“Abusive.”

“What would make you call him abusive?”

“Emotionally- not so much physically. He hated Kyle and any time he’d come around, he’d tell me that we had to go. I mean, he only ever hurt me one time. He punched me, but I did leave him for it,” I explained.

She folded her hands and sat forward. “What made him hurt you?”

“I was late to see him. We were supposed to go to some cafe even though he was drunk. He claimed I had been with Kyle, not true, and, uh, he hit me pretty good.”

I ended up calling Kyle and he came to get me while I waited outside. Pete had kicked me out the door and told me to fuck off and to never speak to him again.”

“That sounds terrible. I’m glad that Kyle was able to rescue you from that situation. Kyle seems to always be there when you need him,” she said.

After the end of the session, I walked with an aid to my room. Once at my room, she handed me a fruit cup and told me to rest easy.

I sat down on the bed, unable to eat it. Something was wrong. Something didn’t feel right. I pulled my stuffed dog to my chest and closed my eyes, trying to force sleep.

Sleep never came.

All I saw was a flickering flame in the pitch darkness. I’m pretty sure it was the angel of death calling to me.

When I woke up, I rolled over to discover a Zippo Lighter. At first glance I mistook it for Kyle’s, but that was not Kyle’s. It was someone else’s. I picked it up with trembling fingers. 

Instantly I remembered. It was Pete’s.


	51. 26-19-7




	52. Entry 31- July 26, 2019

**{What you’re about to read is going to be graphic in a sexual nature. No actions will be directly written, but _please read at your discretion._ }**

****

I used to only remember the basketball going into the hoop. Everything else about that night was fog. I could never recall anything about it. However, the fog seemed to clear. It all came washing over me again. All the memories. All the pain. Why? Why did this happen now? Why me?

I have to write it down. As much as remembering hurts, I might forget again. I need to remember somehow. I have to. 

–

Kyle kissed me on the lips with love and passion, holding me around the waist. When he pulled back, he said, “Thanks for the good luck kiss, chickadee~!”

“You’re welcome,” I replied with a wink. I pecked him on the lips again unable to stop myself. “You’re going to win. I have a great feeling!”

After a few more kisses, the coach called Kyle over, scolding him for being all lovey dovey with me. He ignored him and blew me another kiss. 

I laughed some before going back to join our friends, Kenny, Butters, Craig, Tweek, and Token at the bleachers. After awhile, I saw the goth kids walk into the gym. While most of the group seemed uninterested in everyone there, Pete seemed to look straight through me with his dark eyes. If looks could kill..

I scooted closer to Kenny and tried to distract myself as the goths past us up the bleachers. They usually would hang out at the very top watching everyone . below. I had no idea why they were even here. The Goths hated any kind of school event and always made everyone know about it. All they were going to do was smoke weed, drink coffee, and complain about “conformists.” 

The game started.

Kyle seemed to know exactly what he was doing as he dribbled, passed, and feinted with the ball. I didn’t understand much with this sport since I sucked at it, but at least I knew enough to what Kyle was doing and be able to follow the game. 

Before I knew it, the Cows were beating out the Bulldogs 24 - 8. I grabbed my wallet and looked to Kenny and Butters. 

“I’m going to get a snack. You guys wanna come with me?” I asked.

“I’m good,” Kenny said.

Butters stood up. “I’ll go! I want some ice cream,” he said eagerly. 

After Butters extracted himself from Kenny’s hold, the two of us went to the concessions line which had already grown in size. I held onto my wallet tightly with Butters at my side. As if on cue, I had to take a piss. My bladder was betraying our need for a snack! It didn’t help that during the first half of the game, I swallowed an entire bottle of water to ease my dry mouth.

I handed Butters a ten dollar bill and asked him to please order me maltesers, a vanilla coke, and a plate of nachos. He agreed and I walked off to the bathroom. I told him I’d meet him at the bleachers.

-

The toilet flushed with a loud swish and hiss followed by the sound of my zipper going up. Much better. I walked over to the sinks and began to wash my hands when the door was slammed opened then shut with the same force.

I looked over to see the cause of slamming: Pete and Michael. 

Pete turned to Michael and said something I couldn’t hear. He was quiet, barely a whisper. He kept looking at me though and already my heart was racing. What the hell was he saying? Was he trying to talk trash about me? Why slam the door open that hard just to whisper about me? Michael nodded suddenly and walked out. Pete reached over to the door and locked it.

My heart dropped. My mouth went dry. My hands iced over while the blood in my face drained instantaneously. 

“My Raven,” Pete sang softly, almost as if I was some cherished love one. “I’m so sorry I ever hurt you. I never meant to. I promise you. I wasn’t in my right mind and I was wrong. I was wrong, Raven.”

“U-Unlock that door,” I said with a trembling lower lip. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t understand why he was coming to me now. Why here? Why now? We had broken up. It was final. Surely he had better things to do than follow me around, right? At least, I prayed that was the case.

I didn’t even have a chance to speak anymore.

Pete suddenly had me trapped in a corner. I was a sad animal trapped in the lions den. The redhead grabbed my chin with a tight grip, staring into my eyes.

“It wasn’t right of you to break up with me. Kyle’s no good. Kyle’s a terrible human being,” Pete insisted with acid laced in his voice.

I couldn’t even think straight. I shouted in retaliation, “Fuck you! Kyle’s ten times better than you! He loves me unlike you!”

Pete was sick. He wasn’t all there. I could tell he wasn’t healthy by the look in his eyes. Especially as his grip tightened on my chin- it hurt so badly. He needed help, but right now, I was his focus.

“I love you more than that disgusting conformist! I’ll prove it to you,” he spat. He slammed me against the stall, knocking the air out of my lungs. I was stunned for a moment by the sudden attack, but i snapped back to reality as adrenaline rushed through me.

I needed to defend myself. I have to get him off me. I reached into my pockets for anything I could use as a weapon, and thankfully I found my pocket knife, but I was too late. A lighter floated in my peripheral vision. It was lit. The flame’s heat radiated so close to my forehead that I could already feel my skin beginning to burn under its power.

“If you scream, I _will_ burn your pretty face, Raven,” he warned me. 

I couldn’t move. I was scared. I didn’t want to test his threat. I had no idea just how far gone Pete was. Maybe it was a bluff, but I really couldn’t afford to find out. I wanted to scream, but my pleas were unheard.

_Kyle, help me! Someone! Butters! Kenny! Please! I’m scared!_

I closed my eyes while the tears formed in my eyes. He pulled me off the sink and forced me against the wall. I was waiting for some kind of beating to supposedly put me in my place. That’s what most people would do right? But that wasn’t what he did. His hands moved down, down farther than I ever wanted them to go. All I could do was sob as he did the worst thing anyone could ever do to another human being.

When it was over, I sank to the floor, holding myself tightly as a sob ripped out of my lips, “Kyle,” I begged as if saying his name would make him appear. I wanted him to hold me, to rip Pete into pieces like an angry grizzly bear. I just wanted someone else in the room to hurt him. 

Pete kicked me with a growl. “After all that, you still want him! You’re a piece of shit!” He threw the lighter at me, but it skidded away from me to the trash cans. He grumbled something before storming out of the bathroom, leaving me behind like a piece of trash.

I couldn’t stop crying. I was hurting and I just wanted Kyle.

Time had passed. I don’t know how much time, but I just knew it felt like ages. It would either rush by me quickly, or tick by slowly second by second. I remained on that floor, unable to get up. I didn’t know if I even could. I was blinded by the tears, frozen in fear of what was out there past those doors. No one came for me. Maybe no one actually cared about me after all. 

I let out a scream as the buzzer went off in the gym, signaling victory for the Cows. The cows had won the basketball game, and Pete had-

“Stan?” I looked up. Kyle stood in the door with a look of complete shock. I looked over, whimpering. 

“K-Kyle..”

Kyle was over to me, hugging me. He held me tight in his arms as I sobbed holding him. He kept his arms around me, like a protective shield. He said not a word. He couldn’t say a word. He would later told me that his brain had completely shut off in disbelief and he had been trying to figure out what had happened exactly. I couldn’t either. The only thing I could say was Kyle’s name like a holy mantra. Over and over and over again.

We were young and dumb and had no idea how to handle something like this. Kyle tried to clean me up, get me presentable, just enough that we could get out of here and go home. Get some kind of help. Would anyone believe me? This didn’t happen to guys. Guys didn’t get-

“Are you okay?” Kyle asked. I was a bit thrown by the question. “Stan, talk to me. Can you stand? Are you hurt any other way?” 

I knew he meant beatings or cuts. I just shook my head no, then started getting up on shaking legs. I had to lean on him for support. I was going to be safe now. I’d just have to forget about this. Forget it ever happened. Forget he ever existed in my life. I didn’t know what else I could do after all.

Pete was sick and needed help, but now, now I didn’t even know if I felt pity for him like I had for a brief moment. As Kyle helped me out of the bathroom, I was filled with hatred. I wanted justice. I wanted something to be done about this. I wanted him to pay for how he hurt me.

But the next day, I didn’t even remember it happening. As far as I knew, it didn’t. At least, not until now. 

I still don’t know how he knew where I was. Pete was going to pay. He was going to pay.

Please someone tell Kyle…

Please….


	53. Kyle's Letters #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rape mention below

The clock kept ticking to a steady beat. It was the only thing reminding me that this was real, that I was here. I read Stan’s entry. I read every word and was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t stop myself from crying as I reread each word, praying and hoping it wasn’t real. I knew it had happened. I remember it happening. I blamed myself for doing nothing, for saying nothing. At least, that’s what it felt like. I had gone to the police, tried to make a statement, but without Stan’s testimony or any identity of who attacked him there wasn’t anything they could do. Stan’s mind suppressed it all, and there wasn’t any way to help him without hurting him. I should have done something sooner. I should have-

“Kyle?” 

I looked up to see Stan’s therapist, Ruth Ann, standing there before me. I don’t know how long she had been there, standing in front of me in the waiting room. There was a look of concern on her face, since I said this was an emergency. I got up and followed her back to her office. We sat in silence for awhile before I had to force the words out of my mouth.

“He was raped.”

It was real now. I said it and it was real. 

“He..he was raped and I didn’t do anything about it. I tried, but, he forgot and, I thought it would be better if-”

“If he didn’t remember?” She asked.

I nodded, the tears running down my cheeks. The guilt was unbearable and I broke down crying. Ruth Ann got up from her chair and came over bringing me into a hug without a word. 

“I should have done more! I should have found out sooner! I could have helped him and I could have-”

“Kyle, it’s okay. You did it because you thought it was the best thing to do to help him. What’s done is done and can’t be changed. All we can do is try to help him heal and recover. I know how much you love him. You’re here every day to see him and you’re always volunteering your time to help us out. We can get through this.”

She went back to her seat and I tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks, but I just couldn’t stop even with her comforting words. No amount of comforting could ever get this guilt off my shoulders. 

“I talked to Stan’s other doctor and we actually were considering letting him go.”

“What? Really?”

“He’s been improving greatly in his behaviors and now that some of this information has been coming to light slowly, bit by bit, I’ve been able to help work him through it. He might still have some self-destructive tendencies, but he’s definitely no longer a suicide threat. He’s become much more stable.”

“But, he wrote out the entire thing and he’s gotta be hurting so badly! God, he’s going to be so angry with me if he finds out I knew. Fuck, can I please just see him?” I asked desperately. She smiled some as if she knew I was going to ask that. 

“Of course. After all, it’s soon your normal visiting time. I would think Stan would be counting every second until you get there.” I don’t know if this was her attempt to make me laugh or at least be amused, but it was hard to be. All I could do was give a weak chuckle and smile before I got up and followed her out. I couldn’t let Stan know I was crying. I was the strong one after all. I had to be his anchor to keep him grounded. I can’t lose myself when he needs me. 

I went through all the normal motions. Signing in, getting cleared, going into the main entertainment/visiting room. I didn’t see him waiting for me like normal, so I headed down the hall towards his room. I had a brief thought about Tweek and Craig as I passed Tweek’s new room. I hadn’t been visiting him since everything went to shit. I’d have to make sure Tweek was doing well later. It’s only nice as a friend after all. 

I knocked on Stan’s door.

“Chickadee?” I called in sweetly. “It’s me.”

There was no answer.

“Stan? It’s Kyle, can I come in?”

Nothing.

I turned the door knob and opened the door, afraid of what kind of pitiful state I’d find my best friend in. He would be crying, sobbing, maybe just silent with fear from the memories. I was ready to hold him and comfort him for as long as needed. I’d be his rock. I wouldn’t let anyone harm him anymore. 

What I saw inside wasn’t anything I had been psyching myself up for.

Stan was gone.


	54. Entry 32- July 27, 2019

The funniest thing about this whole situation was that I knew I was being lied to. Richard, another patient who I met the first week of being in the hospital, told me to go down to 300 halls dining room because someone needed me. It was too late to tell Richard to go with me. Too late to tell anyone to go with me. When I reached the dining room, Pete stood before me with his arms folded across his chest. He approached me and grabbed me by the wrist. I was dragged down the hall and forced to give smiles to anyone who passed us to act as though we were just conspiring an escape plan. We weren’t.

Pete looked around before he opened the door to the basement, dragging us both down. We weren’t supposed to go down there. I knew that much. No one would find us down here. I had a feeling. Before Pete dragged me down, I struggled against him, trying my hardest to break free. I managed to kick off my one shoe as something to be left behind. Something to find me. Maybe that would help. I could only pray it would. I didn’t have much of a chance to do anything after that as Pete pulled me down the stairs and shut the door behind us. 

Once we were in the basement, Pete pushed me down in anger. He grabbed me by the hair in a tight grip. His breath was hot against my ear as he spoke to me, “Words going around that you’re claiming I raped you. That’s a bunch of bullshit, Raven! I never raped you. You were begging me to fuck you! Don’t you try to lie to me! I don’t care if we’re in a hospital, I’ll be sure that you’ll never be able to speak another lie-” He held a sharpened plastic utensil to my throat to scare me. 

“Get off me!” I breathed out. “I’m not scared of you! Pete, you’re sick. You’re here because you’re sick in the head like me! You can get help, Pete! You can! Please, let me go and we can get you help and everything will get better-”

His grip tightened as he yanked my head back further, the plastic blade close to my exposed jugular. My eyes closed while tears threatened to fall. I was going to die before I got to see Kyle one last time. This was it. I was done for. No amount of begging or reasoning I was doing was going to convince him. 

Pete yanked me hard enough to roll me over, and he straddled me. His hands instantly grabbed my throat, dropping the plastic blade.

“I loved you! I fucking loved you and you left me for that stupid bastard! All I wanted was to make you happy and be happy with you! Was that too much to ask!? You’re a piece of shit, Raven! I tried to show you love and you just called me a rapist and made everyone think I’m some monster! I hope you rot! You’re a damn bastard yourself!” he shouted at me as tears flowed down my cheeks. I could see tears in his own eyes, as if every word he said was the truth in his mind. Pete seemed to really believe he had been doing the right thing, and it terrified me. I couldn’t breathe. I had to do something. Reasoning wouldn’t work. I’d have to act. 

I reached out in search of the makeshift blade that Pete had dropped. He squeezed harder as my hand found the blade, clutching it tightly. I had one shot. One shot to get him away. One shot to get his hands off me and just to give me enough time to run upstairs and scream for help.

Clutching the blade, I brought it up in time to stab it into Pete’s left arm. 


	55. Kyle's Letters #6 (cont.)

The hospital was in lock down and my mind was running a million miles per second. Stan was gone. Pete was gone. I was escorted out to the main lobby as this was completely out of my hands legally. I wanted to find him. I had to find him, but they locked me out. It was standard procedure, they said. It was for everyone’s safety, they said. 

Fuck that.

My childhood had always been a sore spot in my memories and had given me constant nightmares from the things I had seen and done, but it had given me a set of useful skills. With all the panic, I managed to swipe two paper clips off the secretary’s desk and get to work picking the lock back into the main hospital. They weren’t keeping me from Stan. I’ve gone through worse things to keep him safe and he’s gone through hell and back to keep me safe. 

The lock clicked opened and I took off like a bullet. It was easy getting past security and doctors who were too busy looking for the missing patients and trying to wrangle those left behind. 

A shoe was all it took to find my baby boy.

How could they all be so stupid? It might have been a hospital issued slip on shoe, but why would one shoe just be sitting in front of a door forgotten? Especially when the label on the door said “basement.” He had to be in there.

I opened the door and as soon as I did, another person came running into me knocking me over. The wind completely left my lungs and I heard a frightened voice screaming on top of me in a blind panic.

“HELP ME!”

“Stan?”

Stan had run into me from the basement and he was terrified, as if his very life was on the line. I wrapped my arms around him protectively and called for security. I shouted that we needed help over here, that I found Stan, to hurry. I didn’t know what happened down there and if Pete was going to follow. My blood was boiling and I was like a grizzly bear about to attack. I moved so he was behind me and in a split moment, I saw him coming up the stairs. 

I lost my entire mind.

I threw punch after punch once he hit the main floor. He tried to hold himself in the door frame, but I just wailed on him harder. This was for every sleepless night. Every cut on Stan’s arms. Every tear Stan shed. Every cigarette I smoked in worry in the parking lot wondering if Stan would ever be okay. 

Two security guards had to haul me off him. Another person had to join to hold me back. I don’t remember what I screamed. I said awful things, I know I did. I wanted him dead. I wanted to kill him with my own two hands. In a way, it was almost refreshing. It was like there had been an awful infection that had hurt all of us for so long, and finally it had been opened. The infection was being removed and the pain was finally gone in a fresh breath of air. It didn’t stop my anger though.

Nothing would stop my anger.


	56. 270819




	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this.   
> I didn't ever think I would finish this but here we are! I'm so happy for myself and for Stan.  
> I love you all- please don't ever be afraid to comment.

Dear friend,

Pete was sent to jail immediately, kicking and screaming at me. Things along the lines of “I loved you”, “Raven, you’ll pay for this”, and worst of all, “Next time I see you, I’ll kill you!” It was terrifying yet almost…laughable. When he was pushed into the car, an officer came over to collect my statements. Kyle obliged and told them no that I wasn’t okay to, but I said, “I’m ready.”

After explaining it all to them, the police reassured us both that we would be safe. Pete would be going all the way to a different facility in Pennsylvania to get the best care. It was far. Thank God.

I am finally free of this hell. I am no longer at Hell’s Pass. I’m away from Pete for good. After that day of his attack, I was immediately rushed to the hospital with Kyle at my side, and Ruth Ann. I told the doctors everything that had happened to me before and just recently. I was scared but also relieved. Pete would get help. 

Kyle never let go of me even if it was just our pinkies that held together like a thread. He looked more at ease even though he knew who it was. It was over though. No longer would I have sleepless nights in fear that someone was going to hurt me. I wouldn’t have to fear the darkness, or the light. 

—————————————-

As the final box went into Kyle’s truck, I turned to look at him with love in my eyes. He was beautiful. So beautiful. The tension between us had disappeared into nothingness. We were finally back to ourselves. I was…I wasn’t the same Stan as I had been. I felt different. 

Kyle stared at me with a smile, but the smile twisted into sadness.

“Chickadee, I’m sorry-”

“Kyle, don’t apologize. We were so stupid and had no idea what to do. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. I’ll have court with him, but you’ll be there just like you have been,” I said reaching for his hands.

Kyle pressed his forehead to mine, eyes closed. We stood there for so long in front of Hell’s Pass reminiscing in this nightmare we had gone through together. it was finally over. I tilted my chin up to kiss his lips gingerly, whispering, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he murmured against my lips. I could taste the cigarettes and cola on his lips, it was home.

We parted while I grabbed my backpack from the ground in time to see a key in front of my blue eyes. “Kyle, what’s this?”

“The key to our first apartment,” Kyle said with a shit-eating grin on his face.

I screamed then jumped into his arms in pure excitement. We were going to live together! We danced in the parking lot as the clouds parted from the sky above. The sun kissing each freckle on Kyle’s face and reminding me that I was alive. He was alive. We were okay. Things were finally looking up for us, and this part of my life was closing and it was so beautiful. We were finally happy. 

Nothing could stop this happiness that bubbled inside my stomach. Nothing could take away this happiness ever again. No one. We were free.

We were unstoppable.

With Love forever and always,

Stanley Marsh

19288


	58. Chapter 58

Dear friend,

Everything is finally clear. I wrote yesterday to everyone, but I needed to just write again. It’s still a habit for me, and I felt like a little bit more needed to be said. I’ll still be writing but nothing will go up. There’s no reason for it anymore. I want things to be more private since it’s just Kyle and I now. I’m free of it all. It’s amazing. 

I woke up to Kyle holding me close to him, and our German Shepherd and Husky, Murphy and Mica, sleeping with us near the foot of the bed. This had to be a dream. It was surreal. I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. 

I reached out with my hand just to thread my fingers through Kyle’s hair then traced his face. He was real. I could feel the heat coming from him and see his chest rise and fall with each breath. I traced his lips with a dreamy smile while whispering, “I love you.”

Just when I thought I was safe, Mica figured out I was awake. He climbed on top of me, licking my face as a laugh erupted from my lips. His tail was wagging back and forth eagerly. I can’t blame him. I hadn’t been home in so long.

“Mi-Mica!” I squealed loud enough to wake Kyle. I couldn’t stop laughing, but I tried to cover my mouth. It was too late. Kyle shifted and his breath changed as he woke up. He let out a confused noise and looked over seeing me getting my face licked by an eager dog. He rolled over and pushed at Mica.

“Down. Down, boy.” He ordered in a sleepy tone. Mica jumped off the bed. Kyle’s arms wrapped around me pulling me close. He nuzzled at my neck clearly trying to go back to bed.

“Good morning, handsome,” I said sweetly. 

“Stan, please shut up.” Kyle mumbled. “Sleep.”

“No, I don’t think I will.” 

“You’re not gonna give up, huh?”

“Nah.”

Kyle sat up a little and leaned over me, kissing me. He lingered on my lips, then pulled back and looked down at me. “Now will you let me go back to sleep?”

I pretended to think, letting out a loud HMM while he watched me. “Nah!” 

“I’ll show you nah!” Kyle pushed up my shirt and blew a raspberry on my tummy. I broke out in laughter as he did it again. I pushed at him begging for him to stop. Kyle did it again before he backed off and flopped down next to me.

“I think we should lay here all day.” Kyle said with a yawn. He looked over at me. “What do you think, Mr Marsh?”

“I think you’re a lazy ass, Mr. Broflovski.” I replied. Kyle flipped me off and I kissed his finger. 

“C’mon, I’m hungry.”

Kyle got up and clicked his tongue calling the dogs. They eagerly followed him out of the bedroom and downstairs for potty time. 

Breakfast consisted of eggs, bacon for Kyle, and toast. The dogs had a helping of bacon along with eggs as a welcome home party for me, not to mention our first day at the apartment together. 

I finished eating my eggs as Kyle took my hand in his own, kissing it. “I’m so happy that you get to be with me here. You’re not trapped in that place anymore,” he said. I leaned over and kissed his lips whispering, “We won’t have to go through that ever again. I promise.”

Kyle and I cleaned up our breakfast plates and took a shower; I could tell Kyle was still nervous about leaving me alone unwatched in the fear that I would hurt myself again. Once finished, we leashed the dogs and walked around South Park together, reminiscing our childhood. 

As we walked passed the candy store, a couple walked out with a child between them, swinging her back and forth with their arms. They giggled along with her as if her laughter were infectious. I watched with envious eyes- the child had loving parents and they all seemed to be so happy. I looked back at Kyle with a sweet smile, holding onto his arm as we continued our walk with the dogs. We arrived at the dog park, unhooked the boys, and watched them run around with loud barks.

“Everyone’s free.” Kyle said watching them. “You, them, us.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” I said.

“You know, there’s nothing wrong with some leashes. I mean, we definitely couldn’t get them here without them.” Kyle said. “People need some too, you know? Good ones to keep you grounded.”

“Like you’re mine?” I said as an example. “Well, you keep me grounded, I mean,”

“Yeah, and you know, I want to keep it that way.” Kyle said. Before I got a chance to say anything further. He reached into his pocket.

“After everything we’ve been through, after all the hardship, from fighting mental illness to saving the town from a homicidal cryptid, we’ve always stayed together. Super best friends until the end, and Stan, I’d like to make that a little more official.”

Kyle got down on one knee.

“Stanley Marsh, will you marry me?” He offered a ring.

I swear everything inside of me jolted awake. Even though I was awake. I bit down on my lower as tears threatened to fall. For once they were happy tears. Nothing was wrong. My best friend wanted to marry me. The churning and familiar bubbly feeling grew in the pit of my stomach as acid threatened to come up. I swallowed it down and answered, “Yes!” 

He slid the ring on my finger and gifted me with a loving kiss. Maybe the tale of this sounds cheesy, but we are definitely going to be living happily ever after. 

Nothing could stop us now. Not anything. Not ever again. 

with love,

Stanley Broflovski

PS: I can’t write this without Kyle kissing me

PSS: Kyle has ordered us chinese for dinner, and will not let me live down the fact that I actually did vomit when I said yes. I was trying to make it cute!

PSSS: Kyle Broflovski & Stanley Marsh. September 1, 2020.


End file.
